This is a personal piece i did recently about anxiety. i had been feeling fairly anxious for a couple weeks…anxious about money, anxious about the possibility of mccain and palin gaining control of the whitehouse, anxious about the economy and what that means for my future, and even feeling anxious about myself as an artist and the way my work looks. all in all i wasn’t feeling well, and even though i was drawing a lot to try and take myself out of my negative thinking, i ended up quite unhappy with most of the pieces i did. so, i decided to try something different. i wanted to draw something personal and visually representative of what anxiety feels like to me. i think i spent about 6 hours on this from start to finish. i let it come out of me in a more organic way, and i’m happy with the result. i enjoyed doing an image in only black and white and exploring a minimal composition.
i put a lot of pressure on myself with my artwork, which is something i’ve always done, but it became more and more intense as i continued my education at uarts. now that i’m a graduate, i still put that pressure on myself, but i think i am realizing that more often than not it is damaging rather than motivating. a teacher at my school named jonathan twingley (www.twingley.com) said something profound about all of this at the end of my senior year. although i never had him as teacher, i always remembered him saying this and i’ve found it to be particularly relevant lately. he said that one of the most exciting parts of being an illustrator is that there is no right way to do things. we have the freedom to form our identities as artists and careers as illustrators in any way we choose. thinking about that has helped me remember that my relationship with my artwork is ultimately a personal one, and that thinking negatively about whether the way that i am finding myself as illustrator is “right” or not isn’t going to help me make better pictures.
also, i’ve decided to stop capitalizing letters in this blog. i hated doing it and i feel more honest writing without them. but at least you know (based on my previous blogs) that i AM capable of capitalizing correctly.
this is another recent piece, though i think it may qualify more as an exercise. i am happy with the likeness, but something is still missing. also, i don’t like how it looks as a thumbnail, which i found strange. if i’m relatively happy with the piece to size, why would it look weird and different as a thumbnail? has anyone else noticed this with any of their pieces? anyway, i do like his eyes and his expression, and, as usual, i enjoyed rendering the contours of his face through shapes.
lastly, this is a silly piece i finished this evening. for some reason, lots of folks out here on the east coast LOVE to tell me that i’m from the midwest. this irritates me. why, you ask? because colorado is not the midwest! when i explain this to people, most of them look at me blankly and ask, “well then what is it?” to which i reply, “the west!”
now i have this handy map to show the next idiot who tries to tell me where i’m from. no offense to the midwest, but i’m glad i’m not from there. i’m from the wild west, and there is a big difference.
well folks, that’s all for now. my life evens out more and more every day, and i think this is going to lead to some exciting changes in the way my work looks. only time will tell. thanks for reading.
I’m liking this new stuff mightily. Very nice black and white juxtaposition in the anxiety piece — smart and tellingly effective.
Your map is very funny.
I can tell you that I feel anxious about my work a lot. I believe that it’s because it means more to me than anything else. It’s the source of my most intense joy and most wrenching pain, both. Of course, if it weren’t so important to me, it wouldn’t engender so much emotion — but how lucky to have such a passionate focus, even if it does feel bad sometimes.
Anyway, I couldn’t change it even if I wanted to. It appears to be the way I’m built. I’ve felt this way since I can remember.
Keep up the great work. And keep the faith.
I have to agree with Z. Back in class her and I used to talk about how often anxiety came in to play with our work….sometimes I cry…the anxiety builds until it’s overwhelming, but once I break past it is when I really start to love my work.
You’re doing great work Avalon…your designs are always stellar and the end results are always honest and natural. I love the anxiety piece, it says so much with so little.
I got a big kick out of the map, especially since I just got back from the Wild West! Where btw, I had the opportunity to enjoy a few Fat Tires.
I also wanted to say that I’m glad that things are going better after that bad spell. Take care girl!
Dearheart,
I think you know that I feel this way as a poet. Sometimes I think I have no idea how to write a poem at all. I face that blank page as you do the blank canvas/screen/paper and this anxiety and sadness often pervades me. The point is to feel the fear and do it anyway.
Like Zina, I believe the anxiety comes because my poetry means more to me than any of my other endeavors. I’m trying to say, without slurring (Galway Kinnell) what it means to be here. Rilke writes about it in the Ninth Duino Elegy, one of my favorite poems ever. “But to have been as one,/ though but the once,/with this world,/never can be undone.”
Be brave, Avalon.
Love,
Mom
Authentic words, some unadulterated words man. Totally made my day!!